POSTPARTUM Archives - That Mama Club

POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION AFTER PREGNANCY AT 40

Filed Under: BIRTH, HOME, POSTPARTUM // January 12, 2022

There are many factors that lead to depression after pregnancy. I am mentioning a few factors below:

Postpartum depression, or peripartum depression occurs after a woman gives birth. Within a few hours of giving birth the amount of the two female hormones, estragon and progesterone, return to their pre pregnancy levels. Many researchers feel that this drop in hormone levels,
much like the smaller changes in hormone levels can affect a woman’s mood just before her menstrual cycle, is one of the causes of postpartum depression. It is more like an unexplained sadness & depression. It is a feeling where you feel bad, guilty, helpless & in pain just to explain it in words.

1. Genetics – One factor that can lead to postpartum depression is genetics. This type of depression can be passed down from mother to daughter. There is also a correlation between postpartum depression and women who suffer from severe premenstrual syndrome.

2. Hormone levels – As I have mentioned earlier changes in the hormone level also plays an important role in postpartum depression

3. Baby Demands – In the initial days babies can be very demanding, making the new moms so busy that they don’t get time for themselves which leads to depression.

4. Labour – Going through labour is in itself very stressful which after the birth of baby takes its toll on the health of new moms. This in return turns into depression.

5. Self-doubt – Many new moms go through the self doubt process where they doubt the ability to be a good mom & be able to do the right things for their babies.

6. Family disconnect – With all the time taken by the baby new moms can have a disconnect with the family. They can go through the feeling of loneliness even when whole family is present as they are completely busy taking care of the newborn.

This also can lead to depression To be honest after my first baby was born when I was 30, I didn’t experience any kind of postpartum depression. But when I gave birth to my second baby, when I was 40, I underwent postpartum depression. So after my Pregnancy at 40 I understood what Post Partum Depression actually is.

When postpartum depression kicked in I felt sluggish, unconnected to reality, and often underwent several other symptoms that include depression. During my postpartum depression (PPD) at 40, I would often go through bouts of crying uncontrollably and very seldom with any particular cause. I would feel emotionally charged all the time & my emotions would often play tricks on me. My postpartum depression at 40 also lead to some sleepless & troubled nights. Once a baby is born the family, friends, mother and so forth are suppose to join in a joyful expedition. But in my case I went through postpartum depression and the birth seemed more like a painful expedition than a joyous moment.

Instead of sharing a happy moment I often felt a sense of guilt because I felt a kind of resentment in me. The whole giving birth process seemed like an inflicted pain than joy. Then all of a sudden, I would begin the feeling of sadness, despair, worthlessness, and insomnia kick in. Most professionals will treat postpartum depression with antidepressants combining it with therapy. In my case, I did not undergo any kind of therapy because, luckily for me, my postpartum depression didn’t last for too long a period. But it is important for mothers with postpartum depression to seek help immediately, since the depression does not only affect the patient, it affects everyone around you, including your baby. Babies need their mother, and when the mother is unable to provide emotional nourishment and loving care, then the baby will suffer as it grows into adulthood.

Just like any diagnose there are triggers that may interrupt the mother, including difficult births, isolating one self, death, changes in living arrangements, hereditary, financial difficulties and so forth. Unfortunately, some of these triggers are going to happen. Most therapists have found treating women with postpartum depression, treating them with antidepressants and therapy has worked wonders. Recently studies are finding that depression may also be treated with Electroconvulsive therapy. Scientists are constantly searching for a solution to treat depression so the end of the world hasn’t arrived.

REF: The Best Ways To Treat Postpartum Depression – HealthPrep.com

There is hope. Studies have also shown that writing down your episodes, feelings and so forth is a great therapeutic relief. Talking is also a great source for eliminating stress, which is often linked to depression. It is important to get regular check-ups after your baby is born to
eliminate biological reasoning for the postpartum depression. In most cases, doctors may prescribe different medications. It depends on the person, but for some mothers one or the other medications work, while others have no results. If you are suffering postpartum depression, it is also important for the family to offer support and understanding.

Since, you may have suicidal thoughts the last thing anyone needs to do is push you over the edge. It is also important that the resentment you feel is not necessary toward your baby. It could be that you resent an area of your life, or an occurrence and the baby seems to be the target. You might want to try listening to easy music when you feel a sense of loss, or episodes of the depression erupt. Music has proven to heal the soul. In addition, you might want to start exercising since this too has proven to do wonders with people that suffer mental or physical illnesses. Exercise relieves the mind often because you are doing something to better yourself and improve your health. To sum it all, the biggest difference that I felt between Postpartum at 30 & Postpartum at 40 is the depression & physical pain that I went through. With the passage of time, the recovery path has also been fine.

I had good family support during both my deliveries which helped me overcome my pain & depression. Therefore, if you are in postpartum depression especially after 40, there are answers and you should never give up hope! So let’s leave the Post Partum depression behind us as a bad dream & let’s give our motherhood foremost significance in the whole journey of Parenthood.

Bio :

I am Rupali Paul, a Mom of two kids, one teen & another a toddler and I blog in the Parenting niche.
I write blogs on various Parenting & Motherhood topics primarily. I also blog on topics pertaining to Travel with Kids & review various products relating to Mom or Kids. All in all a Blog which caters to family topics surrounding Mom, Dad & Kids and their Life.

You can find my blog at https://momkidlife.com
Instagram handle @momkidlife
Twitter handle @momkidlife
Pinterest handle @momkidlife
Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/momkidlife

Bits to add to your basket…

1. The Peri Bottle

One thing they do not tell you after childbirth is the fear that comes with going to the toilet, especially after an episiotome. The peri bottle (or any bottle of lukewarm water) is a lifesaver; simply spray or pour it on you urethral opening to dilute your urine and take away the sting!

2. Breast Pads

Whether or not you choose to breastfeed your child; once your milk has come in you’re going to leak – it’s science! Getting caught unawares while you’re chatting to the postman is a nightmare. You need

something to back you up and soak up that colostrom if your boobs start to gush like the Trafalgar Square fountains.

You can choose to get re-usable breast pads (bonus points for eco-friendly options mama!) like these ones from Simply Gentle, or you can go for the disposable option like these Lil-Lets on Amazon!

3. A GOOD Nursing Bra

Did you know it’s possible to wear a nursing bra and still feel sexy? In a time when we probably feel a bit like a slovenly blob, having that little sneaky pick-me-up while remaining comfortable and practical is amazing! These HOFISH Seamless bras from Amazon are comfortable, wash well and look great on! *Tried and tested by our own TMC admin!*

4. Epsom Salts

Soaking in a warm bath full of Epsom salts. as often as you can, can lessen swelling and promote healing in the most delicate of areas. Epsom salts are gentle so while they’re doing all the good stuff, you can be sure that they won’t sting or ache while you’re having a soak!

5. Donut Pillow

Postpartum mamas have a special place in their heart for the donut pillow and we can’t blame them! When you’re resting as much as possible at home, sitting can become painful (tenfold if you’ve got stitches to contend with). Donut pillows give an added reprieve for your toosh that you won’t know you need until you do!

6. Nipple Cream

Stinging bums, sleepless nights and cracked nipples – it just gets better and better doesn’t it! Having a nice, soothing cream will do wonders for when your nursing and your nipples start to become tender. Use it after each nursing session to reduce pain and keep your nipples moisturised. If you treat yourself to this Burts Bees cream your nipples will smell great too!

7. Stool Softeners

That first poo after having a baby can be pretty horrifying. The last thing you want is to work to push out your poos if you’ve had to push a baby out less than 24 hours before! Dulco Soft is amazing with helping your body while it readjusts and preventing haemorrhoids too.

8. New Pyjamas

Do I need to say anymore? You’ve just given birth mama, you deserve a pair of clean, soft pyjamas and some nice warm socks! These pjs from Marks & Spencers are stylish and made using the M&S Better Cotton Initiative, so you’re doing your bit for the environment whilst treating yourself too!

9. Vitamins

With the blood loss, sleep deprivation and trauma that your body has been through; you need to make sure you’re getting everything you (and your baby) needs! Pregnacare are an amazing brand with postpartum vitamins that are jam-packed with all the good stuff that your body needs to get back on the road to recovery. If you’re breast-feeding, Pregnacare also have their breastfeeding postpartum range of vitamins that means you can ensure your babies safety while taking them too.

10. Breakfast Tray

One of the the hardest things to do as a mummy, especially a new mummy, is rest. Our brains go into overdrive with all the things we need to be doing for our little one (and hopefully for ourselves too). While you’re feeling tender, save yourself some trips by setting up a little breakfast tray – or ask your partner to realllyyyy nicely – just so you can at least create the illusion that you’re taking it easy!

OUR POSTPARTUM LIFESAVERS

ASH: “Having a beside cot is a must! Working in a kids store I never really thought they were a necessity but they were a dream with Laila. A boppy pillow was amazing for my son’s silent reflux too.”

CHARLIE: “I had an episiotomy with my first son and lavender essential oil baths were a god send for healing!”

CHARLOTTE: “Cloth breast pads. Whether you choose to breastfeed or not, there’s a good chance your body will produce milk! With cloth breast-pads, they are super soft and absorbent, and you can pop them in the wash so you’ll never run out! Well.. those and a HUGE backlog of bingeworthy TV!”

JADE: “Adult nappies were my best friend for the week after Grayson was born. Nobody tells you just how much you bleed after giving birth, so having a failsafe giant hug wrapped around my vagina was a huge welcome. Plus, they were nice and stretchy, which is always a bonus!”

JOSIE: “For anyone that has had an emergency c-section I would strongly recommend peppermint tea as part of your recovery! No one tells you about the excruciating pain you can be in from built up air inside you, and it was only when my sister-in-law told me about it three days in my pain started going away. Who knew built up gas could be so painful!”

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BODY CONFIDENCE AFTER HAVING A BABY

Filed Under: LIFE, LIFESTYLE, MOTHERHOOD, POSTPARTUM // September 20, 2021

A woman’s body during pregnancy is one of the most incredible things in life. We create, grow and birth whole human beings. We have to endure tiny bladders, back ache and leaking nipples for nine months: then proceed to walk this exhausted life for 18+ years. We give up everything for our children: including our bodies. Our boobs become a personal drinks machine and don’t even get me started on being stuck under a sleeping baby when you need the toilet!

BODY CONFIDENCE

We often become aliens in our own bodies. Unable to feel comfortable in this new skin.

You could say, that our bodies change during the course of motherhood. From the moment that seed starts to grow inside of us, our bodies change forever.

The moms that have lost babies, find it hard to conceive and those who carry to full term: our bodies are moved by this process.

We are told that our bodies are made for this job: a baby factory. Our skin changes and we are told to accept that this is life now. We have to love and be confident in this foreign place. But sometimes it’s a little hard to look in the mirror and see a person that we don’t recognise. We get bigger, We lose weight, We stretch, We wobble, We jiggle and our boobs look like that of an 80 year old woman. We find ourselves looking at the likes of Kim Kardashian and Beyoncé: these women who have given birth yet look like some sort of Greek goddess statue. The world around us doesn’t show the bodies of those who haven’t ‘bounced back’. So it’s hard to look at that reflection and see it as beautiful, especially if we compare it to the body we had pre babies.

My body does NOT look like what I expected of myself at the age of 24. To be honest I look like a dropped lasagne. I don’t have the body of a page 3 model and most people think I shouldn’t openly share this body online. But as a mom who sees only sees the same three people a day, two of them are under the age of three, getting a compliment off a stranger online is kinda’ nice.

To my parents dismay I am often seen in my lingerie on the internet. But although I am not completely in love with my post baby body, I believe it is important. It’s rare for me to see image of women like myself on the internet: something that as a young first time mom made me hate myself. It was hard to believe that anyone else looked the same or had the same experiences as I. Although everyone says that ‘stretch marks are ugly’ or ‘they tell the beautiful story of your baby’: It is hard not to see them as ugly.

So think about how you look at these women in the public eye. Do you look at them and think they are beautiful or ugly? Now think about how you think about yourself?

I am by no means the epitome of self-love. I have struggled with ED, depression, anxiety and postnatal depression. I am basically a mess. But one thing I can control is how I feel about myself. I can control what hurts me and what controls my happiness. If @Steve435 from Texas thinks my big thighs are ugly, what should I care?

My body has gone through a lot over the years. I’ve never really felt comfortable in my own skin, always comparing my weight and my looks to those around me. I always thought that happiness came from being a size 8 and having B cup boobs. In University I had an eating disorder that saw me balloon from a size 12 to a size 18 and back again within a few short months. Little did I know that in order to love myself I had to embrace what I already had rather than changing it.

So, as easy as I write it, I decided to love myself. It seems silly and unachievable. But I just sat there and said to myself. Just love yourself. Stop taunting yourself, bullying yourself. You wouldn’t treat someone else like this so why would you do this to yourself? The thing that gives you life: gave you two amazing children.

EASY STEPS TO TAKE

Taking More Photos of Yourself

Sounds silly, but this is something I stopped doing for a really long time unless it was controlled and edited by myself. I was petrified of the thought of looking fat or unpolished. During my pregnancy with Rupert I avoided the camera: being pregnant made me look massive (obviously) but I couldn’t bare seeing images of myself looking ‘big’. I have a few images from my baby shower because I was forced into them. So sad that I don’t have many images from that amazing time in my life.

I am making a huge effort to take more images of myself, not just for the gram either. Photos with loved ones and everyday moments. Focusing less on how I look and taking the time to appreciate the captured love.

Be happy and take fun photos of yourself. You don’t have to post them anywhere. Just be in love with yourself.

Take Better Care Of Yourself

At my darkest times of hating my own body, I was not only harming myself by binging and purging but I let the little things go. Things like getting my hair done, doing daily skincare, drinking water and taking time to slow down and enjoy the things I love. I was being too harsh on myself and making things worse. I know that simple things like a pamper can make me not only feel better about myself but improves my mental health. Trust being a mom of two very young boys means sometimes I don’t have time to care for myself but I find every second I can to do the things that make me happy.

Take Time To Ask For Help

I always feel like I have to do everything myself and asking help is the equivalent to failing. Being a mom is hard but I have learnt that I am not wrong or bad to ask for help. If anything it makes me a better person and parent.

I was someone before becoming a parent and asking for help allows that person to still be important.

Dressing The Way You Want, Not How Society Wants

For years I have hidden behind huge tops, jeans and jumpers because that is what is expected of me. I have always wanted to wear skirts, crop tops and dresses but I didn’t think I could unless I was skinny. But why should I stop myself dressing the way I want? If I am comfortable and happy what does it matter.

Surround yourself With Empowering Figures

I guess I have myself to blame for a lot of my issues. I have always followed the skinny bloggers, saw myself as someone less than them. Watching them and dreaming of when I could be like them: Holding myself back and purposely making myself feel bad. As I expressed in the into I had started to surround my every day life with positive influences. Following those who are promoting self love no matter who you are, rubs off on you and you end up loving yourself because you love them.

People like Francesca Perks have taught me to love myself and my skin regardless on the size number on my clothing. Wearing what I want to wear without fear of society, be happy with everything I have. Yes, I have stretch marks and cellulite: but why do these need to be a bad thing? Also she is hella sexy. Lingerie and nudes are beautiful regardless of your size.

Stephanie Yeboah, is one of the most humble and kind people you will find within the social world. She has proven that hard work and kindness will help you to be the best and most successful person.

I have actively started surrounding myself with those promoting being a good person, being inclusive and being your authentic self.

Reminding Myself of Accomplishments

I am an educated, beautiful and smart woman with a degree in Journalism, two beautiful children and a wonderful home. A blog I am proud of and a talent that has given my hobby of creating content into a job that provides. Follow hashtags like #selfloveclub and #bodyconfidence etc that will bring a lot of positivity to your feed.

Go through your social media and unfollow or mute any accounts that doesn’t make you happy. It isn’t rude to unfollow someone if they are effecting your happiness, it just means their content isn’t for you but may be for someone else. Then follow a bunch of accounts that make you happy.

We live a lot of our lives online so it should be a happy place to be.

As a society we are told it is wrong to think of ourselves as beautiful. As women we are often called narcissistic for thinking of ourselves as amazing or wonderful. But we are? Every woman is! Being a mom is hard and we should be praised for what we achieve without being seen in a bad light.

If someone compliments you, the natural reaction is to say ‘oh no I look horrible’. Why? Just think about that for a second.

We are also deemed to believe that taking a break or taking a day off makes us lazy or bad parents. We are human and sometimes we need that little moment to breathe. As long as you are looking after yourself, you are looking after your kids. Your children don’t want an unhappy burnt out mom all the time. The washing up can wait, putting the clothes away can wait. And yes, sometimes fish fingers and chips is a great dinner.

Body Confidence comes from you. No-one else. No diet can give you that, No number in your clothes can do that. Think, honestly, about yourself. Is being skinnier going to take away all your unhappiness? Is having smoother skin, longer hair, tanned skin, tighter stomach, longer nails going to make you love yourself completely? Probably not. These things may help a little but they won’t get rid of any self hate. We are programmed to hate ourselves. It takes a lot of unroot that but it is worth it.

As a mother I don’t want this pattern of self hate to continue. I don’t want my children growing up thinking mommy hates herself and it is normal to pick away at yourself every day for the way you were made. This can stop with us if we try.

So say this, I honestly want you to promise me to say this out loud to yourself every day. ‘I Love You’.

There are far too many things going on in this world right now to be worrying about, adding crap body image on to that is just not needed.

Things I say to myself everyday:

‘I Love You’

‘You Look Pretty Today’

‘You’re an amazing Mum’

‘You’re doing your best’

What I am trying to say with all this is, give yourself a break. You are beautiful, you are strong and when the end of your life comes around you will remember the happy moments: not the diets or self hate. So make more of those happy moments and less of those bad thoughts. Flaunt that body like no-one is watching. Because I guarantee the ones who love you won’t see the bad you see in yourself so what’s the point in it?

———-Zoe Sugg’s IGTV series on Body Image is an amazing video filled with the most amazing women, this video honestly changed the way I saw about my body. It is very much worth a watch for those wanting some love from within. ————-

GUEST POST WRITTEN BY LEAH HIGGINS

MANAGING POSTPARTUM PAIN AND DISCOMFORT

Filed Under: BIRTH, POST BABY, POSTPARTUM // September 6, 2021

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Pregnancy and childbirth take a huge toll on your body and it will take some time to heal. It’s perfectly normal for new mothers to experience postpartum pain and discomfort. If you are concerned about excessive pain, you should check in with your doctor to make sure that everything is ok. However, there are some simple things you can do at home to help manage your discomfort.

Stretching

You might have been told not to do any special exercises during your pregnancy, but now that you’re a new mom it’s actually a great time to start a gentle stretching and strengthening routine. Your muscles can be put under a lot of stress during birth and many people experience soreness in the legs from being in stirrups, as well as pain in the back. Some light stretching can help to loosen the muscles and reduce pain.

Sitz Baths

Sitz baths are a great way to relieve pain and discomfort in the pelvic region. You can purchase a special seat that sits right in your bathtub or use a towel and some warm water. Taking a postpartum sitz bath for 10 minutes is generally enough time, but you can do it more often if you like. Just be sure not to get the water too hot, as you can burn yourself and increase the discomfort. As well as managing pain, a regular sitz bath keeps the area clean and reduces the chances of infections. This is especially important if you had sutures after birth.

Hot Water Bottles

Afterpain is a pain that you may feel as your uterus returns to its original size after giving birth. These contractions can be incredibly uncomfortable and they tend to be worse in the first few days after giving birth. You may also experience them during breastfeeding and they can last up to six weeks. Holding a hot water bottle against your abdomen can give you fast relief when you are struggling with afterpains.

Cooling Packs

Cooling packs are great for bringing down swelling in your perineal area. This can be done by placing one of these packs inside your underwear while you sleep. You’ll want to remove the pack when it gets too warm, but this should be enough time for the coldness to help reduce pain and discomfort. Cooling packs are brilliant for reducing inflammation and helping the healing process along while also providing relief.

Ibuprofen

Changes to your hormone levels often bring about headaches in the days and weeks after giving birth. The easiest way to deal with this is to take some over-the-counter painkillers, like Ibuprofen. They have the added benefit of reducing inflammation and can be effective for managing afterpains too. As your body heals, you should avoid taking any strong painkillers, so Ibuprofen is perfect.

Time is the thing that you need most and eventually, your body will be at full strength again. But until then,

POSTPARTUM SEX DIARIES

Filed Under: HOME, LIFE, LIFESTYLE, MOTHERHOOD, POST BABY, POSTPARTUM, SEX & RELATIONSHIPS // July 19, 2021

The Unedited Guide to Your Postpartum Sex Life…After Baby Number Two

THE FIRST THREE MONTHS

Hi folks, lovely to meet you, how’s the weather? It’s the first time that I’ve written anything for That Mama Club’s website, so now that the pleasantries are out of the way, welcome to my nether region. You’re about to learn about all its activities in the past twelve weeks since I gave birth to my second baby, a little girl named Bea.

Now I am sure some of you are reading this thinking, TWELVE WEEKS? She’s got a twelve week old baby and she’s writing about sex? Whilst here I am up every hour of the night and no time to shave my armpits never mind hop in the sack?!?!

I’ve been there. In fact I wrote a very similar article after a long and hard recovery after my first child, in which it took me twelve weeks to gird up my loins and brave post-partum sex, and a full nine months before I felt anything remotely resembling a libido again.

I approached the post-partum stage with something akin to military strategy this time around. Instead of sandbags, I had many many bags of mattress like maternity pads. The freezer was full of pre-made meals. And I had routinely wiggled my tank-like pregnant butt back against my partner, and demanded that we get it on…. ‘Because you know it might be a long time before we can again!’ And it’s partly this preparation for the newborn phase that meant my recovery was a lot better, which has really aided how I feel about myself and sex.

Well, before I spoil all the juicy details for you… here’s my post-partum sex diary, second time around.

24-48 hours after giving birth

I’m euphoric. I love my new baby. I love my first born. I love my partner SO SO much. Wow. The dreamy emotions, and outpouring of love don’t quite dull my aching vagina, womb, in fact every bone of me is aching. I’m going to pop some paracetamol and take a (cat) nap.

3 days after giving birth

I ignore my own advice and peer over my slowly deflating stomach with a handmirror to examine my stitches. I had a second-degree tear and tore up towards my urethra as well, so whilst things are stingy to say the least… its recognisably my vulva. I audibly sigh with relief as I spot that my two big vaginal varicose veins have gone down. I sobbed snottily through my mask at my midwife when I discovered them despite her reassurances that they would disappear soon after birth. Whilst the tangle of pubic hair proves my pre-birth trim wasn’t as thorough as I’d imagined, I can still make out that the varicose veins are indeed vanishing.

It’s a great day for my labia.

2 weeks after giving birth

I’m in a Facebook group for people who were due in the same month of me, and already the queries have started popping up in the group. ‘I’ve had sex and I only had my baby ten days ago, will I b ok?’ I read these open mouthed. Now I’m no doctor so I’m not going to say yay or nay as to when you can hop back in the saddle, but bravo to these ladies’ vaginas.

I’m still joining the baby in wearing a nappy, my boobs are out of control, and my stomach muscles are so shredded I currently struggle even lying down comfortably. Sex is most firmly off the table.

4 weeks after giving birth

Ok, so this is unexpected. I’ve stopped bleeding. After two long recoveries, following my first birth and a miscarriage, the packs of maternity pads I stockpiled are still sitting in the cupboard unopened. I’ve also been doing my kegels and well, it all feels pretty normal. I’ve been hiking, and I think toting the tiny one round in a sling for a month has had the unexpected benefit of engaging my core as that seems to be feeling a lot better too. I’ve mentioned all this to my partner, and he’s most definitely very *ahem* encouraged, but I say I want to rest and recover a few weeks longer.

6 weeks after giving birth

I remember being unimpressed with the GP ‘check-up’ after my first birth, going into it thinking I’d be getting an internal MOT and instead being asked a sum total of two questions.

‘How are you feeling’

And

‘Have you thought about contraception’.

Well this time around, those questions were asked over the phone but in all fairness I actually am feeling very much ok by this point. Ok enough to think that YES, lets do this, I’ll wiggle my way into a almost-fitting bra and pants set and go for that voluptuous spilling-over look, that’s sexy right? Lets do this. Lets GET IT ON.

7 weeks after giving birth

We still haven’t had sex. And to be quite honest I haven’t had a single ‘spark’ since I’ve had the baby. Not one fanny flutter. Not one tingling. Not a single case of the fizzy knickers. Folks, I’ve not been aroused in the slightest. But instead of going into brain meltdown I remember that I felt like this for a lot longer with my first birth, and its all down to those pesky breastfeeding hormones.

Still, one night, when everyone else in the house is asleep I summon up some thoughts of bare chested men and Robin Hood (yes the fox, don’t ask) and slide a hand into my knickers.

I’m awakened four hours later by the baby crying. Hand still firmly in my pants.

I fell asleep doing myself. Ok, that’s a new one.

8 weeks after giving birth

WE STILL HAVEN’T HAD SEX. Last week I even shaved everything from my neck down, bar a landing strip (I say landing strip, I swear each pregnancy makes me hairier, it’s now more like the M1), moisturised, plucked my eyebrows and shimmied out of the bathroom feeling pretty damn good about myself. But after everyone else’s bath-time, a rousing two-hour bed time and then a baby deciding that this was the best evening to spend the whole evening on the boob, well we were both too tired. A second attempt was foiled by the ever-familiar call of ‘Mummmmyyyyyyyy’. And then I myself foiled another, by deciding that we would continue a session of heavy petting upstairs, but of course when I gingerly lifted the sleeping baby to put her to bed first… she woke up.

9 weeks after giving birth

It happened. It wasn’t glamorous, it wasn’t amazing, it was over pretty quickly, but it happened. And it felt gloriously, wonderfully, familiar. And that’s exciting. I was expecting it to feel different somehow, after all my body has changed, I pushed a baby out of my vagina mere weeks ago and yet it felt the same as always. That’s not to say our sex life is never glamorous or amazing – but somehow having run-of-the-mill spontaneous weeknight sex was the perfect way to get back on that particular horse. No pressure, no worries about what I was wearing, if I had done enough kegels or if I was ‘exciting’ enough. It was great, it reminded me that actually I really enjoy sex, and it made me feel a little bit like the old me.

12 weeks after giving birth

And that brings us to today. Twelve weeks after giving birth and sex is currently firmly back on the table. Yes, it sometimes feels like a military operation, but I think that’s part of having two children one of whom is a newborn… everything feels like a military operation! But I’ve learnt to be a bit more spontaneous, if the moment arises just to go with it and enjoy it rather than worry about the laundry pile or the unsent emails.

Finally, yes, I’ve got my libido back. And very strangely it happened exactly the same way as last time around. I had a night of very sexy dreams and woke up in the morning with a little more sashay than the night before.

I know things will be up and down, and at the moment as we are still sleeping with the baby in the room it does feel a little bit strange to be getting down to it.

But we are doing, and I’ll take that as a win for now.

Becqui Jean x

WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A NICU MUM

Filed Under: HOME, MOTHERHOOD, POSTPARTUM, PREGNANCY // March 30, 2021

WRITTEN BY HELENA (GUEST WRITER)

Both of my boys were born prematurely, and each needed to spend a number of weeks in neonatal care. During that time, and since, I’ve had people make comments which were less than helpful and often upset or angered me. It can be hard to know what to say to someone going through NICU so I’ve put together this list which will hopefully help if you have a friend or family member who is going through this tough experience.

“When will you get home?”

This can be difficult to answer. The chances are that Mum will get home much sooner than the baby, so who are you actually referring to? In the worst of cases, mum and dad might not actually be sure the baby is going to come home at all.

The situation changes really quickly in the first few hours and days so this question is really unhelpful at the beginning in particular. “We aim for a due date” is basically all that a doctor will tell Mum and Dad, even when things are going well. They never change this answer as things can change with a baby in a heartbeat. Every time you ask a parent “when will you get home”, you will only be reminding them of just how far away the due date feels.

Five weeks after my youngest was admitted, we had no idea he was even close to coming home until the day before. Even then we thought it would be a handful of days, not just one.

Instead try saying “however long baby is in hospital, know that I am here to help. I will drop off some food so you can have something warm for dinner tonight”.

“Have you asked if you can stay overnight?”

Do you really think any parent wants to leave their baby behind? Of course they have asked if they can stay. There just isn’t the space in neonatal units in the UK for every baby to have their parents with them overnight. The unit we spent all those weeks in with my boys has three bedrooms reserved for babies who are a night or two away from going home so parents can stay knowing staff are just outside if they need support. There are significantly more than three babies in the unit at any one time.

There is no worse feeling than leaving your baby behind in the hospital. It just doesn’t feel natural to leave hospital having given birth without a baby, so every parent will most definitely have asked if they can stay.

Instead say “I can’t imagine how you are feeling having to leave your baby. I’m here if you want to talk.”

“Why don’t you just sleep on a chair so you can stay all night?”

It really isn’t a case of “just” sleeping on a chair beside your baby’s incubator or cot. You make it seem so easy saying “just” and that little word can make mums feel like they are not putting enough effort in.

Most new mums, exhausted after giving birth, can lie in bed, cuddling and feeding their newborn for the first few hours, even days. NICU mums have to move between the postnatal ward and neonatal ward only to sit and look at their baby from an uncomfortable chair.

Many mums will have had a traumatic birth and are far from being well themselves. I’m sure most mums would “just” sleep on a chair if they were physically able and they knew the baby was only going to be in for a night or two. But sleeping on a chair really isn’t an option when you know it’s going to be weeks or months. Baby needs a healthy mum who isn’t running on zero sleep.

Instead say “It’s awful that you are separated from the baby, I can only imagine how hard that is.”

“At least you can have a full night’s sleep while the baby is still in hospital!”

Seriously, don’t even think about saying this. First, think about how difficult it would be to sleep if you were separated from your new baby who is gravely ill in hospital. Then remember that most NICU mums will also be waking up to an alarm to pump milk every three hours for their sick baby. Believe me when I say that being woken by an alarm at 2am makes it infinitely harder to get back to sleep than if you’d been woken by a baby.

In addition to being woken by the alarm, you have to then wake up enough to pump, go downstairs to put the milk in the fridge and sterilise the pump kit ready for the 5am alarm call. Oh, and you’ve probably phoned the unit for an update on how the baby is doing.

Plus there’s also the fact that instead of relaxing at home and napping with the baby during the day, you are instead travelling to the hospital to sit on that uncomfortable chair, wishing you could touch and cuddle your baby. So no, getting more sleep is definitely not an upside to a baby being in NICU.

Instead say “Wow, you are doing an amazing job. Getting up to pump must be so tough but think of all the goodness you are giving to the baby”.

“My friend’s cousin’s dentist’s son had a baby born at 31 weeks too. He was home from hospital after 4 weeks so you probably won’t be there much longer.”

You probably think that saying something like this might make a NICU mum or dad feel better but, in reality, comparing their baby to another is far from productive. All babies develop at their own rate, not to mention the fact that they are all born with different issues.

It just makes you feel worse when it gets to 4 weeks and your baby still isn’t close to being sent home. How come my baby chose the short straw and needed to stay longer than this other baby?

Instead just say “baby is beautiful, I can’t wait to meet them”.

“I would have loved it if my baby had been taken away and looked after that first night. It would have been great to have had a good sleep.”

Someone said this to me just the other day and it made me feel so angry. I wish so much that I’d been able to spend those precious first moments with my babies, time that we will never get back. It just seems so unfair that someone can say that they wish they hadn’t had to. Maybe it’s easier to appreciate how special those first few hours and days are with a new baby once you’ve had them taken away? Plus, see above regarding the “good sleep”.

Instead, just don’t mention it, even if that’s how you feel. NICU parents haven’t been able to make that choice and would probably do anything to be able to cuddle their baby as much as parents of full term babies can.

“I’m so uncomfortable, I wish the baby would just arrive now.”

I’ve heard this so many times from pregnant women, even ones who know my history of two premature births. I almost didn’t include it as I didn’t want to offend anyone, however, I really think it needs to be mentioned. Although I know that it’s just a thing that people say without actually meaning, I’m never quite sure what to say in response. It just feels like people don’t appreciate how hard it is having a baby in NICU.

I was already starting to feel uncomfortable with my small bumps so can only imagine how uncomfortable being heavily pregnant must be. But surely it can’t be worse than spending weeks or months in hospital, being unable to comfort or hold your baby properly and watching the baby undergo numerous medical procedures while you just have to sit and hope? At least being uncomfortably pregnant only affects you, not baby, siblings and extended family.

Remember that NICU mums are probably grieving that missed third trimester. My second premature birth was half expected but I still felt robbed of my bump and didn’t feel at all ready for the baby to be here. I really do feel cheated that I missed out on the last heavily pregnant stage and it makes me sad hearing people wish it away. (Little disclaimer, this is of course a blanket statement. Obviously there will be cases where mum or baby is actually unwell, not just uncomfortable, and I’m only referring to cases where there are no medical issues, just a healthy pregnancy.)

Instead feel free to complain about how uncomfortable you are, I’m sure your NICU mum friend will be able to empathise. Please just don’t add the throwaway comment of “I wish the baby would just arrive now”.

“At least you didn’t have to give birth to a bigger baby so it won’t have hurt as much as if the baby had been full term.”

I don’t think it is at all possible to compare the pain of childbirth with another person. Out of my two births, I can safely say that I found the birth of my second, smaller baby much more painful than my first and so the theory seems to fall down.

My second son arrived 9 weeks early. That’s more than two months before he was supposed to be here. My first son was “only” 6 weeks early and while that was scary, I had been assured by doctors that it wasn’t really “that” early in terms of prematurity and the likelihood was that everything would be fine.

Nine weeks, however, felt so much earlier than six. The doctors were optimistic that he would be ok in the long run but I didn’t get the same feeling of confidence from them as I had the first time round. I’d been through the neonatal unit before and knew during labour that this time we’d be in for longer, with a toddler at home who I hadn’t fully prepared for the baby arriving right now and a hospital on the verge of lockdown.

I think my body was doing everything it could to hold him in and I just couldn’t relax into the hypnobirthing breathing in the same way I had before. The panic and worry meant I just couldn’t calm myself down so I’m sure that led to the birth being more painful.

Giving birth early also means that the birth plan, if you’d even got as far as writing one, goes out of the window. You instead need to give birth hooked up to every monitor going, with what feels like half the hospital either in the room or waiting outside. You also know that you likely won’t be able to see your baby, let alone hold them, because they are going to need immediate medical attention to survive.

It’s not the relaxing, minimal pain birth experience you were probably hoping for, no matter what size baby is. Also, many NICU mums have had sections as the birth is often due to a medical emergency and I don’t think the size of baby has any baring on the pain caused by that.

Instead say “giving birth so early must have been terrifying.”

“You don’t like staying pregnant do you?”

Why do people think it’s ok to say this? I get this one far too often, even from a few of the nurses in the neonatal unit. While I get that it’s probably meant as a joke to lighten the mood, it’s really not something I find funny.

I would have done anything to stay pregnant so my babies and family didn’t have to go through the trauma of weeks and weeks in hospital. More than anything, I wish that I’d been able to finish my pregnancies normally, excited and counting down the days for the arrival of my healthy babies. Instead, I had all of my birthing choices taken away from me and was petrified during my labour that my babies would be born terribly unwell or worse.

Instead, don’t make a joke, offer support either emotional or practical.

YOU CAN FIND HELENA ON;

INSTAGRAM: THE TARTAN LEEKS

WEBSITE: THE TARTAN LEEKS

POSTNATAL ANXIETY AWARENESS

Filed Under: GUEST POST, HOME, MOTHERHOOD, POSTPARTUM, PPA // March 22, 2021

WRITTEN BY LAURA WINSHIP (GUEST WRITER)

Laura is going to be sharing her experience with postnatal anxiety, it is so important that we continue to raise awareness!

With being a new mother, it always comes with the challenges of changing lifestyles, work and of course raising a new member of the family. As a female you have already been through enough changes with your body but what some people forget about is the mental state you’re in will never be the same.

I was already a mother to my beautiful twin daughters Emily and Lucy when I fell pregnant with my third daughter Kathleen (Katie). I was previously in a relationship with the twins dad however this relationship was not how I imagined my family to be, I can’t begin to sit and write about the toxic traits of this relationship other then it was just not meant to be. My self confidence and love had been shattered and I was rebuilding a home and a new life for me and the girls when I found comfort in a friend and began to become close, after just a short few months and a misplaced coil I received news on my new addition and though apart of me thought I wouldn’t be able to do this and overlooking some deep depression from the previous year my heart knew I was making the risky right decision to expand my family. This pregnancy was not the perfect journey and I had multiple bleeds and pains and this is when my fear of losing my new little girl began and my depression built up and went unnoticed by many, with many personal problems and life difficulties I myself didn’t recognize my mental state.

POSTNATAL ANXIETY

At 34 weeks at a check-up at my doctor made the decision to induce me and speed along the arrival of darling Katie. After 36 hours Katie made her entrance into this world. Her cry was an instant tear trigger and my body was overwhelmed with relief. But, when that cry never returned the thud of my heart on the floor was the deafening sound I’ll never forget as her lungs stuck closed and buzzers and doctors filled the room. The monster of fear I had been bearing secretly throughout my pregnancy came back fully grown. It’s vague to remember what order things happened but what always crossed my mind is that I couldn’t do anything. The feeling of helplessness is something still to this day is something I can’t overcome. I couldn’t help her. After when tubes inserted and oxygen masks applied she was sent in the NICU where she was safe. I was admitted onto the ward next to her and after I was left by my partner to go to social event. The anger and somewhat resentment began for him as I could never understand the need to leave or how he’d want to leave our fragile little girl, then began with the second time her lungs collapsed. I cried, I watched as doctors repeated the procedure to inflate her lungs again and again. This was the officially beginning of me knowing that my precious girl was going to be my constant worry. I can’t explain how I feel and how it has stuck in my mind repeatedly that my children could and will get sick and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I was constantly approached with the theory that I was depressed months after this experience. But I believe, hand on my heart believe I was happy, I was learning to create a content world and I was working hard to provide this. Yes the everyday stress was difficult and like others, learned to overcome it. What I was suffering with was the fear that never left I was struggling to let it live amongst us. With been a single mother I had to let my children leave on the weekend to visit their dad’s. during this time I would work very long hours at work to distract myself from not having my children. My youngest daughter Katie’s father was in the middle of his struggles and unfortunately at times this put Katie in danger. I couldn’t stop natural disasters but I could prevent harm if I saw it coming. This made me lose trust and even though now I know deep down she’s safe and is well looked after, the unstoppable fear comes back every time i’m not with her. After suffering with my own uncontrollable thoughts on the weekend I relapsed into old habits from when I was teenager and distracted my mind with other obsessions like weight. After passing out one day in a shop with my children it’s when I reached out for help.

I never considered myself an anxious person and I’ve seen close friends suffer with their anxiety and never compared myself or my mental state. However everyone is unique and everyone deals with the same problems completely incomparably. I can now admit that I have been suffering with postnatal anxiety. There are times when I judge myself for not having the same intense feelings of protection when the twins were new born however, this is not a feeling I enjoy.

Many events that happened in our life made these feelings more intense and it wasn’t until my actions and mental state was affecting me when I decided to seek treatment. Katie’s father is a fantastic man who I’m proud of everyday he’s overcome his own battles and worked hard becoming the father she needs. But me secretly dealing with my own struggles probably clouded a lot of my decisions concerning katie during this time. There were times I didn’t feel like Katie was safe and the constant anxiety that she wasn’t safe sent me into a manic state of protection. The thoughts and feelings run your body into overdrive and my thoughts and feelings run your body into overdrive and my thoughts drifted into plans to run away to save my daughters from any danger my home town brought. I even got to as far as virtual tours around houses in towns along the east coast.

I’m proud to say that now to this day I made the decision to speak to other mums suffering with postnatal anxiety and have accepted my feelings and now know triggers for me. I still haven’t spoken to the girls’ fathers about this matter but I’m working hard everyday and also making small personal changes in my life that create a happy and more positive home for us all. My advice for anyone suffering or even if you have doubts about your mental health after having a child is to speak to someone, anyone, it is nothing to be ashamed of and opening up can be the start of a completely different positive mindset.

YOU CAN FIND LAURA ON;

INSTAGRAM: LAURA_ANDTHEGIRLS

THE FOURTH TRIMESTER

Filed Under: BABY, GUEST POST, MOTHERHOOD, POST BABY, POSTPARTUM, PREGNANCY // February 20, 2021

BY HAYLEY MILLINGTON (GUEST WRITER)

Millie’s Birth ended up being a very positive one for me. I wanted a home birth in a pool but ended up doing 12 hours labour at home with no pain relief and then an ambulance trip to the hospital, because I was pushing but she wasn’t moving. We were told in hospital she was back to back and the doctor manually turned her before an episiotomy to get her out. I felt So proud of myself and felt cared for in the hospital, which we decided to stay in overnight for some breastfeeding help and reassurance as new parents. In the time after leaving the hospital it really caught up on me what my body had been through. This was inevitably the fourth trimester.

THE FOURTH TRIMESTER

The pain of the episiotomy was uncomfortable and if that wasn’t enough, the post labour bleeding made my pelvic floor feel heavier and swollen too.

Getting about was hard , a few days after birth we wanted to go for a walk in the fresh air and it took what would usually take 10 minutes to the garden centre and back, a good 40 minutes!

I was loving the new born bubble I was in, dark nights were drawing in and it was getting colder out, so having a baby in October meant we could hibernate and really get to know our new daughter.

But everyday was hard for me, emotions were high with lack of sleep, my milk coming in added extra pain and I was already struggling with breastfeeding.

More than anything I was having to deal with the after effects of the episiotomy, It meant I couldn’t just get up to pick up my baby from her Moses basket, I couldn’t sleep next to her in bed and so she’d be passed over to me and then I would pass her back for a nappy change.

Almost every day we had visitors, I would get myself downstairs ( which also was a slow journey) and then I’d put a pillow under one of my legs so that I could sit as reasonably comfortable as possible.

A week post birth and the pain wasn’t subsiding, so I told my midwife and she agreed that the stitches were taking along time to heal and so it may be worth getting seeing an out of hours doctor to get some antibiotics.

Not only this but Millie’s belly button had also become infected so she would also need to go to the doctor as soon as possible.

The week after, things were starting to get a little easier – I was still in pain down below but was sure to be following the midwives tips, which were, not to use soap when showering, not to soak in a bath, lay on a towel to dry after a shower and to give the stitches some air, don’t go for long walks which increases the blood flow to your pelvic floor, freeze maternity pads and change them more regularly.

My emotional outbursts were starting to subside, I had in the first week, moments where I felt useless and that although my partner Pete was helping in every way possible, I resented him for being able to lift Millie and hold her so easily and often , I felt I was missing out on bonding and all I was being used for was feeding.

I think it hit hard when one day, a different midwife hurried into the house for a quick visit, she was all out of sorts telling us she was in a rush and as soon as she had looked at Millie, she simply said “ Did anyone tell you she had tongue tie?’ Which proceeded with a weigh in and telling us she’d also lost too much weight!

I felt sick – Pete and I looked at each other in shock, I knew we were thinking the same thing “ who the hell is this woman!” She then said She was going to call the hospital and we needed to go right away , next thing she was on her way out of the living room but not without asking if I was eating well and telling me I looked a bit pale !

I literately held back all my tears until she walked out the door and then just broke down whilst I held Millie in my arms.

I’d failed her, I wasn’t producing enough milk and I hadn’t even realised how much weight she’d lost.

After an overnight hospital visit and the doctors confirming she did not have tongue tie ( phew!), we decided to breast and formula feed to help get her weight up and decided I would try and pump in order to see how much I could produce .

Now let me tell you this, Pumping was not something I took to lightly.

The following night as I sat in front of the tele trying to pump for half hour and barely anything coming out, I literately sobbed at the thought of being this thing who’s only job was to produce milk in order to make my tiny human happy , yet it made me feel quite the opposite – I turned to Pete and cried “ I can’t do this , I feel like a cow!”

The next day I had made the decision to stop breastfeeding and go onto formula and I felt so much happier and knew that I also had a happy baby who was being fed too.

The realisation after all of this was that I’d been told about most aspects of pregnancy, childbirth and raising a baby but not one person had told me of just how hard that ‘fourth trimester’ really can be.

I now try my best to check on new mum friends and see how they are feeling after giving birth as it really can feel lonely, tough, emotional and painful even though it’s equally the most amazing experience I have ever endured – and of course, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat!

You can read all about the fourth trimester on the NCT website (link), did you experience the fourth trimester?

YOU CAN FIND HAYLEY ON;

INSTAGRAM: MUMMY & MILLIE

How Sepsis almost Killed Me

Filed Under: BIRTH TRAUMA, POSTPARTUM // January 4, 2021

By Caitylis

If you read my Birth Story with Theodore then you would have noticed it abruptly ended as soon as he arrived, and that’s because of sepsis. Although the matter of the fact we stayed in the hospital for a whole week. That first week with your baby is supposed to be magical, you’re supposed to be getting to grips with this new way of life, not bound to a hospital bed, not even well enough to care for your child. I was crushed, but I was also on a lot of medication and honestly, that whole week has just turned into one big bad blur.

For a day or two, I wasn’t even sure what was up. Why was I still in there? I knew I really didn’t feel well but since this was the first time, I assumed everyone felt that ill afterwards. Apparently not. I remember seeing graphs and posters around the corridors about Sepsis. I remember glancing at the symptoms and thinking “holy shit that’s me”. It wasn’t until day 3 that they decided to tell me, that it was a lot more serious than feeling a little shitty.

The Diagnoses..

I had Sepsis, a massive infection, and they actually didn’t know where it was stemming from. I was already battling with a chest infection pre-birth, but after birth both my kidneys and liver decided to mess me up. So fighting the source was hard. I was sent for X-rays, ultrasounds and had gallons of blood tests done. I don’t think the doctors were 100% on what was causing it (although now we know that it was most likely my liver) so I was put on a shed load of medication and injections. Then 6 days later I decided to self-discharge myself, taking all my pills and needles with me, I decided it was time the three of us went home.

It wasn’t until the following day at home I realised maybe I shouldn’t have left so abruptly. The Sepsis was making me weak, so weak. After 7 days of hardly eating, throwing up and pissing myself (glamorous I know). I found myself constantly crying because even holding my baby was a struggle.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this I thought. It was all supposed to be okay. You worry so much about having a healthy baby, you never take a second to think about your own health. I think that’s what set me back the most, how unprepared I felt. Becoming ill myself wasn’t even on my list of ‘things that could go wrong’.

We’d already wasted one week of Bradley’s two weeks off in the hospital, and then we only had one week together as a family of three before he zoomed off back to work.

I feared the worst…

I hardly remember anything about our stay in the hospital. But one thing that stands so true in my mind, truer than anything else was how I felt around day 4. One thing that’s etched into my brain, one thing that feels so impossible to describe is the feeling of death upon me. Not “oh I’m so ill I feel like I’m going to die”, but actual death. I don’t think I’ve talked about this to many people, mostly due to the fact I don’t want to upset loved ones. But I truly thought that day was my last.

I wrote Theodore a letter. The saddest thing I’d ever written. I told him how sorry I was that I wasn’t there to watch him do all the amazing things he would do. I told him how proud I was. I told him that he could do anything he put his mind too. I told him how much I loved him.

How much I really loved him.

I truly can’t believe I got through it. I can’t believe I’ve witnessed 3 years of his life. I was so sure I’d see no more than 4 days old.

I feel so grateful. I feel so lucky. I feel so loved.

YOU CAN FIND CAITYLIS ON..

Instagram; @caitylis

Blog; www.caitylis.com

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