WRITTEN BY SAM (GUEST WRITER)
Back in 2017, I became a Mummy for the first time. During what should have been a joyous occasion, my husband and I underwent the toughest month of our lives. Our little boy was a full-term baby, but he was born with 2 lesions on his left lung. At 19 days old, he underwent surgery at Great Ormond Street Hospital to remove one of the lesions. After a total of 31 days in the NICU at both our local hospital and Great Ormond Street Hospital, we finally took our son home.
The experience has had a big impact on my life. It affected my mental health greatly in the years following his NICU stay, and I am not the only NICU parent to feel this way. There is a little community of us and yet, some people are completely unaware that we exist. The NICU is not often talked about, and I want to change that.
What is the NICU?
The Neonatal Intensive Care Unit found in hospitals across the world. The place where both full term and premature babies go when they are poorly and need extra help in order to be fighting fit. For some parents, they have prior knowledge that their baby could need extra help from the NICU at birth, but for other families, it is a huge shock to the system. Either way, nothing can prepare you for the reality of having a baby, or babies, in the NICU.
What is the reality of having a baby in the NICU?
For me personally, I found it to be really tough. I had a couple of minutes of skin to skin after he was born. And minutes later, my son was taken to be checked over properly, and it was another 24 hours before I could hold him again. My husband and I each held him for around 15mins each, every day. That was it for the first few weeks. Once he had his surgery, he was doing a lot better and so were able to hold him a lot more. Having a newborn baby that you can’t pick up and cuddle whenever you want is just heart breaking. Whilst we had to wait those 24 hours for a proper cuddle, there are families who had to wait days, weeks or even months to hold their baby.
When I went in to see my son on the NICU for the first time, I found it to be really daunting. The room had several other incubators in, some of which were occupied by premature babies, and it wasn’t quiet. The constant noise from the machines beeping or having alarms ringing – you can’t ever forget them. They become part of your normal. You quickly learn what sounds are normal and which ones result in panic and a lot of medical staff around one baby. You can never unsee your baby with wires everywhere, cannulas in their hands or feet, requiring oxygen to breathe. Those are memories that will be with you forever.
Post Natal recovery is something that is very easily thrown out of the window when your baby moves onto the NICU. I had induced labour, that resulted in a forceps delivery and episiotomy. Walking was painful. Sitting was painful. And here I was, walking to and from the car and the NICU and having to sit down all day. There was no lying down in bed or lounging on the sofa with my feet up, as I may have envisioned before giving birth. It definitely made my recovery harder. It’s so easy to forget about self-care when you’re in the NICU.
For those Mummy’s wanting to breastfeed their baby, being in the NICU can make an already tricky process that much harder. As a first time Mum, I had no experience of breastfeeding. I was unsure I could do it, or whether I would enjoy it, but always wanted to give it a go. My son was unable to tolerate milk until after his surgery, at which point, he was tube fed to begin with. In order to encourage my milk to come in, and begin establishing my supply, I began exclusively expressing. It was hard going, but it was the only thing that I felt I could do to contribute to my Son’s care. So, no matter how relentless it became, I was adamant on carrying on. I was very fortunate, as knowing so much more now about expressing, I’m aware that it isn’t for every Mummy.
The aftermath
When your child is ready to be discharged, you are hit with a wave of different emotions. We were in the NICU for a month, and I very much felt excited to be able to take our Son home, but also very anxious. We had spent the month surrounded by a full medical team, with wires and monitors attached to him to ensure he was safe. You don’t get to take the medical equipment, nor the doctors and nurses with you. It is a lot to get your head around.
This is also the part where I think a lot of people expect Parents to forget everything that they have been through because they finally have what they always wanted – their baby at home with them. This just isn’t the case. For me personally, I struggled to accept what had happened to our family during that first year, and beyond. It’s only really since the birth of my second child last year, that I have really come to terms with it all.
The NICU is a complex setting to find yourself in. It’s a highly emotional environment, particularly post birth with all the hormones you have to deal. It’s an experience I won’t ever forget. But it is an experience that you don’t often hear people talk about and this needs to change. I am so incredibly proud of my Son, my NICU baby, as are so many other parents will be of their NICU babies. He showed me what it is to be strong. He will always be my NICU Warrior.
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I can’t imagine. It definitely takes strong parents and such strong little ones! Definitely warriors❤️