WRITTEN BY KELLY POPHAM (GUEST WRITER)
WHY IT IS OKAY TO WANT MORE CHILDREN
I have always wanted a big family, both Mike and I are one of four children and so we are used to a busy full house. I always imagined having three children, granted I think after now having one I’m not sure three are on the cards, however I really want Isaac to have a little sister or brother eventually.
I will be honest, the thought of trying for another baby fills me with anxiety, which is the opposite of what you want when trying for a baby. It took us almost two years to get pregnant the first time and it took a huge toll on my mental health and relationship. It was months and months of heartache and disappointment and I don’t know if I could go through all that again. I think because it took so long I just don’t see a situation where it happens quickly for us, so I’m going into it assuming the worst, which makes it really hard to see it as a positive experience.
In addition to worrying it won’t happen, I also have this constant feeling like I don’t have the right to be sad if I can’t get pregnant again, that I am so lucky to have one child when so many don’t that I don’t get to be selfish and be upset that we can’t have another one. This weighs on me a lot and I think it’s probably the same for many other women out there. I have thought about this a lot recently and it’s made me realise the following:
- It is my right to have as many children as I choose – The choice of how many children we have is down to us, we get to decide how many is right for us, if it is possible to have them. Every woman and couple has the right to make the choice and shouldn’t be made to feel bad if she wants more than one child.
- I have the right to be sad – I have heard so many people say ‘oh well you have one child’, or ‘oh well at least you know you can get pregnant’. Whilst those statements are true, they honestly can be hurtful and they don’t take away the pain of someone who is desperately trying for another baby but isn’t getting pregnant. So many people struggle with infertility, even if they got pregnant quickly the first time there is no guarantee that it will happen that way again. You never know what someone has been through, or will go through.
- It does not take away how grateful I am – because I am so grateful to have Isaac. It also doesn’t take away the love I have for my child. I longed and wished for him for so long. I think because of how much I longed for him, I know what it feels like to want something so much and have no control over whether it will happen that I know how much I want a second child. I am willing to potentially go through that all over again to have another child. That doesn’t take anything away from Isaac, I think it just shows how much it means to me to have two.
- My feelings are valid – Everyone has an idea of what they would like their life to be, what job they want, what they would like their family to look like, that is your right. If you see lots of children in your life that’s ok and therefore it is ok to feel sad, angry and disappointed if it doesn’t happen. No one has the right to tell you how to feel, trying for a baby can be heartbreaking and brutal for some women and already having a child doesn’t take away the pain and sadness that can come from trying to conceive.
So if you are going through a similar situation and struggling, know that it’s ok to feel whatever you want and need to feel. You are going through this no one else and they don’t get to judge.