When we’re sick, we go to a doctor. We take our car to a mechanic when it needs repairing or our phone to a technician when it’s spazzing out. So what’s wrong with seeking advice from a therapist when your relationship needs a bit of a tune-up?
There is a common notion that entering into couples therapy spells trouble for the relationship. If you’re ever brave enough to share to a close friend or family member that you and your partner are considering therapy, the usual response is “Oh, is everything alright?” or “What’s wrong?”. And, when accompanied by that worrying expression of pure pity, you could feel like your relationship is about to meet its doom.
The truth is, it is this response and the unfortunate stigma surrounding couples therapy that prevents us from even considering doing it, even when, in some cases, the relationship could potentially benefit from it. If somehow, one partner is able to convince the reluctant other to take that step, it is often not treated as efficient or important by them and so may not serve its intended purpose.
Couples therapy can be helpful for a number of reasons, not just trouble in paradise. Although seeking help is often regarded as a sign of weakness, it takes a lot of strength and courage to take such a step and truly commit to the process. If we can free ourselves from the judgment of ourselves and the people around us, we can open up to a world of better communication, better physical interactions (yes, sex) and improvement in ourselves.
When my husband and I made the decision to try couples therapy, it’s true, we were not in the best place in our relationship. However, we both knew the end of the relationship was not the intended nor desired outcome. In order for us to take the necessary steps to become not only better people but also better partners to each other, we needed to break through the stigma attached to couples therapy and give it a real shot.
Here are some common misconceptions:
Couples therapy is a last resort before divorce.
This is not necessarily the case. While it may be true that most of us who have ever discussed couples therapy or experienced couples therapy may have thought the end of the relationship was on the horizon, a change in mindset can improve that outlook. If we view couples therapy as a method of seeking ways to connect with each other more, communicate better and also enjoy each other’s company being truly absorbed in the partnership (1 hour talking out all of our feelings got pretty deep), you will realise the point of the therapy is to mend and improve, not to discard.
Couples therapy won’t work.
Sometimes the reluctance to couples therapy is really just a reluctance to asking for help. The attitude is “if we couldn’t fix it, it can’t be fixed”. However, the intervention and input of a neutral third party can offer a perspective that may be struggling to be introduced in dialogues between couples. Without this perspective, it can often lead to this constant invisible fight with neither person being equipped to address the issues they’re facing. So, while couples therapy may not “fix all our problems” it can provide some solutions on how to best respond to each other in those touchy situations.
Couples therapy is a blame-game.
Another common misconception of couples therapy is the therapist “is just going to take sides”. The role of the therapist is to listen to both sides but also, they support each party in understanding what they are trying to communicate. Also, usually, the partner who instigated the start of therapy is usually not the one with the most changes to address and so the therapist may need to spend a bit more time dialoguing with the reluctant partner. I can see why this may come across in some cases like the therapist is taking sides but by doing this the therapist becomes the voice of reason encouraging each partner to look introspectively at how their actions or responses may be contributing to the relationship’s issues.
Couples therapy will only make things worse.
It’s true that some past conflicts or issues may be addressed in couples therapy as reference to a current situation and this may bring back past feelings, sometimes negative ones. However, this is not to serve as a catalyst for arguments or confusion. A therapist will often ask each partner to provide examples of most of the issues they describe and some of these may come from the forgotten archives of the relationship but having these accounts laid out in front of each other helps couples see patterns in behaviour that may have otherwise missed or ignored. This establishes a starting point for the therapist to work from, helping to tackle the issues one-by-one by exploring what caused these patterns to arise.
Couples therapy will take a very long time.
When we think of therapy, we think of a long, ongoing process until a very specific end goal has been achieved. However, with couples therapy it’s really quite the opposite. Essentially, couples therapy is not meant to act as a crutch. The main goal of couples therapy is to provide couples with the independence to take the tools learnt in therapy and apply them in their day-to-day scenarios. When it appears the right steps are being taken to achieve the desired harmony in the relationship, the therapist will actually offer the opportunity to discontinue therapy to give couples a chance to work towards their goals with confidence in each other.
Relationships are hard work. They are not meant to be perfect. Couples face their own individual struggles and embarking on therapy may be a crucial step in learning to deal with them, if not solving some of them altogether. If you and your partner are considering therapy, there are a lot of benefits to taking that step but you must take it together- all-in- for it to have any impact. Couples therapy, like most therapies, is not about fixing. It’s about healing, only, you get to do it together.
– TMC team
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