Here’s what happened when I decided to get a divorce and work on the relationship with myself…
So here I am, just under 8 weeks away from my 26th birthday and in the process of getting a divorce. Heck, how on earth did that happen? I really didn’t see it coming, for months I blamed lockdown, but after many deep conversations with others and a little time on my own I realised it ran so much deeper than mere relationship troubles caused by the strains of lockdown. In the few weeks it has been since I filed for divorce I’ve sat with it, really processed it in depth and I can’t help but think, why didn’t I see the signs sooner. I was so convinced I was happy and in love with the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. But the truth is I was with a person who put me back together and held me that way after a narcissistic ex-boyfriend destroyed every shred of my confidence and happiness. I dived so fast into a relationship with him and found comfort, safety and the clarification that I was good enough, things I only knew how to find through the gratification of another, yet now as I sit here typing this, alone in my big empty bed, a single mother and in the middle of a divorce, I am the happiest I have ever been.
Why? Because after months, actually, years, in a cycle of anxiety, low mood and deep unhappiness and generally being unsatisfied with life, trying to pack it full of the things society believed I should be like marriage and having children all before I turned 30. Don’t get me wrong, in no way do I regret having my child, but was I truly ready to become a mother when I did? Absolutely not.
Then it happened and it happened fast, I opened my eyes and realised that I’d been nurturing the wrong relationship all along; I was the person I needed to love me, not someone else. So that is exactly what I decided to do, sure, I’ve thrown my entire life in the air in the process, but once I realised this I just couldn’t waste anymore time being miserable when I knew there was happiness out there somewhere waiting for me; and I was not wrong, I’ve found it, I’ve really found it, the kind of happiness that has you lying in the sun, staring up at the sky and smiling just because the world looks so beautiful in that moment.
I think that’s my point here, I was so consumed in someone else’s happiness being the source of, what I believed to be mine that I was forgetting to live in the moment, breathe and enjoy the simple pleasures life has to offer. I was with someone so pent on planning our future that we were missing out on today. I was skipping out on adventures I’d always wanted to do because they didn’t, burying my spontaneous nature because they always wanted to do the same things, now I’m out here living each day! Sure it’s a juggle at the minute, balancing being a newly single mother, having a job and generally getting the nitty gritty details in order, but I’ve been given the luxury of having some free time and I’m going to make every second count. I’m going to keep doing the things that make ME happy, I’m eating & sleeping better, exercising more (which is doing MIRACLES for my mental health!), planning adventures, hell I even climbed a mountain alone! Okay, so it wasn’t a very big one, but it’s one my Gran would point out to me on the horizon from such a small age, we would sit at the top of the hill by our stables and she’d tell me all about that little mountain in the distance. The sentiment of sitting at the top of that mountain and facing in the direction of that little hill at home set my soul on fire.
I decided to get a divorce… Here’s to the next chapter of my life, filled with happiness, adventure and a whole lot of self love, because you’ve got to love yourself before you can truly be loved by another.
WRITTEN BY NESS : @RAISING FREDDIE